Friday, December 16, 2011

Romanconomics: It's Tebow Time!

I now watch football. What was once a confusing and seemingly pointless Sunday-afternoon waste of time has now become my weekend centerpiece. I actually worry about where I can find a televised Broncos game in NYC, and if I can't find one, I check Yahoo sports updates like an alcoholic guzzling the last drop of vanilla extract. Once, I had a friend texting me a play-by-play as I waited to board a flight. It's getting bad.

Why the sudden football mania? Two words: TIM. TEBOW*. I, like every other single twenty-something (or thirty-something or forty-something, or really anyone who's ever heard of football) am in love. Tim Tebow boils down to basically two key characteristics: 1) He loves Jesus 2) He's a real man. 

These two characteristics are rare these days, as my fellow Christian single ladies know. So every Sunday, when my Facebook feed is full of my peers drooling (in a really chaste, attractive way, of course) over Tebow, I have to wonder why there aren't some good substitutes. 

See, Tebow is like the iPod: he's filling a need we couldn't really identify better than anything we've ever imagined. He's manly, he loves Jesus, and he also routinely spends Sunday afternoons with your family. PERFECT! Unfortunately, we don't have other companies rushing to meet this newfound demand: we don't even have the Zune of the Christian Singles world (which, incidentally, I'm pretty sure is a member of PlusOne). All we need is for guys to step up and love Jesus and act like men. Really. You don't even have to win a football game in overtime. 

This is the simple idea of supply and demand: if one company (or in this case, Broncos quarterback) starts offering a really amazing product (himself), and it's wildly popular with the public, other companies will try to compete. They'll put out their own versions of the same basic idea, leading to competition and eventually advanced technology and lower prices (which is why an iPod mini cost about as much as an iPod nano, even though it had way less memory). 

Instead, what's happening is there just isn't enough Tebow to go around. Not only am I having to fight off every sports commentator seduced by his surreal statistics, I have to deal with:
UF students, alumni, fans, and frenemies
Broncos fans and frenemies and other NFL teams trying to draft him
Single Christian girls
Mothers of single Christian girls 
People who own a television

There's one very hot product, in very high demand. Why are there no knockoffs? Let's face it, ladies: you're not going to marry Tim Tebow. But I, being the kindhearted, future Mrs. Tebow that I am, want you to come away with a really good second-best. This leads us to the question: Where are all the Tebow knock-offs? 

Unfortunately, they're probably deep into level 11 of Halo or something. And similarly, you're probably on chapter 12 of "Twilight." In the world of romanconomics, too often both parties are to blame for the lack of mutually beneficial, voluntary transactions (called "dates"). Both parties sit around waiting for the perfect "other" to fall out of the sky like a miracle interception, but too often it's an incomplete pass.

That's what's remarkable about Tebow: he can help us separate fact and fancy; ideal and achievable. He's a manly man, and he loves Jesus. So for all of you haters who told us that was impossible, take that. Still, he does not ballroom dance. He does not write incredible love sonnets. He may not eat free-range chicken. He's still human, and he'll still have flaws. He's everything you need, but still himself underneath. That's all we're looking for in a substitute: someone who has the essentials (loves Jesus, is a manly-man), but doesn't have to live up to crazy expectations. He could be a computer programmer. Or a statesman. Or a merchant. If he has those two golden traits (loves Jesus, manly), he's exactly what we've been looking for.

So Mr. Tebow, while I wait for you to "tebow" and pull a ring out of your pocket while you're down on one knee, tell the fellas to get their act together. We'd rather not wait until the final three minutes for a proposal. 

I waited for the Broncos/Patriots game in:
Black skinny pants, blue collared blouse with shoulder cut-outs, black eight earrings, armored rhinestone ring, gunmetal gray owl necklace, and black leather over-the-knee boots.  

*Even though I now watch football, I'm hardly a sports commentator. For all of Tebow's amazing last-minute game saves (and disappointing loss to the New England Patriots), please go to ESPN, or my brother. 


  1. Anonymous - we understand your nameless shame at being a Patriots fan, and hope you'll see the light soon! ;)

  2. Hahaha. Tim Tebow is gay. It is pretty much a known fact in the gay community. He is the type that marries some dumb young thing and then "realizes" it mid-life. But each to their own. Guys like that usually have a waiting list to apply for that position... "so dreamy and manly and sensitive and he's SUCH a gentleman that it's like he only cares about my personality!"